Tired blogger is tired

Big thoughts today, now somewhat deflated by sleepiness.
I connected the anxiety I'm feeling now with the guilt that I was battling last month.  Both are just different expressions of the same basic lie - that I am not free.  With that realization, the struggle has become easier.  This is like a stronghold within me, resisting God.  A verse from last week now makes more sense.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses." [2Cor 10]
Jesus tell me to not be anxious.  And why do I want to be anxious?  Because I don't really do anything that I don't want to do.  So I must want it.  I am anxious because... I cannot trust God for my provision.  Therefore God is nothing to rely on.  Therefore I can be the central character in my story.  Thats really it.  There's a part of me that keeps trying to compose a narrative for my life in which I am the lead.  Via self-pity (guilt, denying Christ's preeminence and work on the cross), via self-sufficiency (anxiety, denying God's sovereignty).
Tell it to me, Jesus.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." [Mat 6:25-34]

The bold part is the verse that came to me.  God knows I need these things.  There is a war going on inside me right now between my flesh and spirit.

- J

keeps on giving

So on Sunday night we had some questionable nachos that we agreed on, followed by excellent cheesecake, which is notable because I generally do not like cheesecake.  Later, these did not play well together in my insides.  The interesting bit, though, came the next night, where I learned we had not actually agreed on nachos, we had "agreed" on them.  I've been a man long enough to know that that actually means you acquiesced to something you were not really into because it seemed like I wanted it.  If it hadn't come up in conversation I would still be ignorant.  For the record (and this will hold true in nearly all similar situations) my desire was overstated.  If I had taken a moment to think, which I did not, I would have realized that I actually didn't care at all what we had.  I just thought I did, because that's what I default to when I'm being intellectually passive.  It's this weird inversion that's hard to explain.  If I sound opinionated about something meaningless, the truth is probably that it completely doesn't matter but I haven't taken the time to think.
Now I don't imagine this is the first time I have been oblivious to what you wanted.  I can forecast without fear of inaccuracy that it will not be the last.  But I should have been more mentally present with you.  Should have approached casual dinner with the same eye of the pursuer I try to hold at all other times.  Should have gotten the chicken.
At least I realized it, even if it was in retrospect.

- J

cast a spell on me

instructor

instructer

appearance

appearence

inconsistant

inconsistent

definately

definitely

maintenence

maintenance

grammar

grammer

vowels suck

vawils sock

- J

=/
On Friday I wrote a thank-you letter to the guy who interviewed me on Wednesday morning.  I don't know if it was the fist such follow-up note I've ever written, but if I've done one before, I can't recall it.  Follow-up letters are one of those things that sort of slipped me by.  Like, every one else seems to know about them, but I only know of them at all because of osmosis.  No one ever really explained it to me, so the etiquette is still not entirely clear.  I was home on Friday afternoon, though, and the idea popped into my head.  "Hey, don't people sometimes write to interviewers and thank them?  Yeah, I've heard that somewhere."  So I asked the internet, which was modestly helpful.  I wrote something short, and polite, and reflecting my keen interest.  Even if I never hear back from the guy, I still feel right saying thank you.  

- J

[2 Cor 10: 1-18]

This one was tough to get my head into.  I would benefit well from a good commentary... my problem is finding one which I feel is solid enough.  On my computer I have four, each with a different style of dissection.  Whenever I get confused, I go read what each has to say.  All four are very interesting, but I don't think they ever come to precisely the same conclusion.  It's comforting in a way.   I know our understanding is imperfect, and so it is an interesting exercise to read about wise, informed people coming to different conclusions.  And, you know, not hating each other for it.
In chapter ten, Paul is talking about himself.  He starts out by illustrating his wish - to be bold in his letters, so that when he comes to be with them in person he can be meek.  That's valid.  That's like an adult saying to their child "Clean your room before I get home" so that when they come home there's a warm relationship possible.  Paul points out that those who walk according to the flesh will judge Christians AS IF Christians also walked according to the flesh, which is why a lot of what Jesus teaches looks like hypocrisy / ignorance / foolishness to the world.  Then he says,
 "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses."  That last bit especially made me think for a while.
The rest of the chapter is Paul talking about boasting.  His finer points are, as of this reading, lost on me (Barnes notes an irony and sarcasm in the text that is too subtle for my gleaning) but his wrap-up is clear enough.  "But he who boasts is to boast in the Lord.  For it is not he who commends himself that is approved, but he whom the Lord commends."  We can't use ourselves as the standard of anything, and the entire notion of approval based on our own merits is contrary to an accurate understanding of the gospel.

- J

Last call II

A really good day.  A full day, which strikes me as the right kind of day, generally speaking.  A day of rest is only deserved if one has been working.
Playing with the kids at Jubilee was a lot of fun.  I am thankful to have such a volunteer opportunity; "volunteering" tends to sound like Not Much Fun.  Anyway, when using the term, kickball is not typically what I think of.

Bedtime now.

- J

[2 Cor 9:1-15]

Second Corinthians eight and nine are both about giving - specifically, giving money.  Specifically specifically, giving money to Paul.  It must have been a delicate subject to write about.  I grew up being taught that Paul was basically just an early televangelist.  The people in those churches must have heard some grumbling... 'hey, isn't this the same guy who was having us arrested and killed?'.  It's easy to read these verses and see where 'prosperity theology' got started.  "Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully".  Et cetera.  A couple lines down, the reaping is expounded upon.  "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;"  What?  The reward for work well done is more work?  Of course it is, because we are still alive.  Go read God's last text message to Moses if you want to see if the Lord cuts us a break at any point while we're still breathing.
SPOILER ALERT: No.
The love of money is really just the worship of self.  'I want money.  So that I can be free to do what I want.  Which is desirable, because I don't like other people having influence or control over me.  Because the things I think and feel and want are the best.'  Right.  I am already a god in my own mind; I want money so that this self-worship may be realized, since it's harder to worship yourself as effectively as you might if there's still evidence around you that you're not all-powerful. 
Paul doesn't say any of that.  He says that God will grant us a what?... a "sufficiency".  In everything.  The Lord knows our physical needs and will meet them.  When these needs are exceeded, it is for a purpose!  An abundance for what? ... "for every good deed"!
!!
More money actually means more work, and more responsibility.  Paul calls it "seed to the sower".  That's a labor analogy.  Anyone who wants money so that they can take it easy is not worshiping the God of the bible, but themselves.  Anyone who wants money so that they can be free to do their own thing and not have people tell them what to do is worshiping the god of this world, the devil.

- Jux

[Mat 27:27-44]

The end of Jesus' life contains so much irony it is difficult to unpack it all.  With the benefit of the scriptures as they are currently presented to us, the knowledge of Jesus as messiah and eternal king is easy.  We have been given a much wider view.  Peter, the Roman soldiers, they never once considered themselves to be actors in a larger play; to be characters in an incomprehensibly larger narrative that they were helping to write.  
After Jesus was condemned and badly beaten, soldiers take him into the barracks and abuse him further.  They put a scarlet robe on him, like royalty would wear, and give him a reed for a scepter and a crown of thorns, and kneel down before him in mockery, declaring, "Hail, King of the Jews!"  In their minds they are in control, in power over this powerless rabble-rouser.  They probably don't even care about him - he is simply an object of fleeting sport for them.  As members of the conquering state, they have only derision for the Jewish people, and no knowledge of Jewish prophecy, law, or faith.  "King of the Jews" has no meaning to them.
The bible is filled with these repetitions, echoes that keep resounding from the voice of truth.  That is why it is still applicable to us - because truth does not change.  They offer Jesus tainted wine, and they lift him up high with a sign over him saying "This is Jesus the King of the Jews".  It's this bizarre inversion.  Jesus really is the king.  And at the end, everyone really will kneel and declare it, and lift him up.  It actually happens during his lifetime in this moment, but no one understands it because they each believe that the story is about them.
The chief priests, the scribes, and the Jewish authority all come out to sneer at him.  "If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross."  Where have we heard something phrased in that manner before?

Luk 4:3 And the Devil said to Him, If you are the Son of God, speak to this stone that it might become bread.
Luk 4:4 And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written that "man shall not live by bread alone, but by every Word of God."
 
Luk 4:9 And he brought Him to Jerusalem and sat Him on a pinnacle of the temple and said to Him, If you are the Son of God, cast yourself down from here.
Luk 4:10 For it is written, "He shall give His angels charge over You, to keep You;
Luk 4:11 and in their hands they shall bear You up, lest at any time You dash Your foot against a stone."
Luk 4:12 And Jesus answering said to him, It has been said, "You shall not tempt the Lord your God."
Luk 4:13 And when the Devil had ended every temptation, he departed from Him until an opportune time.

This was the time.  The religious leaders are speaking with the voice of Satan.  Prove your identity!  Show them all how wrong they are!  They'll all believe you... they'll all be so sorry...

and there will be no empty tomb.  And you won't have to conquer death and take away the sins of the people.  The priests have no idea what they are demanding.  They are laughing at God, daring Him to condemn the whole world.

- Jux

[Mat 26:47-56]

One of the things I look up to in Jesus was his unwavering ability to see beyond the specifics of a situation.  He was never carried away by the moment; he always saw the bigger picture and understood the momentum of the events that surrounded him.  A "large crowd", stirred up by the religious leaders of Jerusalem, comes out in the night to arrest him wielding "swords and clubs".  Jesus has never hurt anyone.  He has not committed any crime.  He hasn't stirred up the people against the government or each other.  He is peaceful, his followers are peaceful.  Why are these people armed?
They have taken up weapons because of their own guilt.  In the same way that King Ahab put on a disguise before going into a battle to protect himself.  If the four hundred false prophets who were trying to curry favor with him were right, he needed no such tactic.  If Macaiah was right and the Lord was against him, he should not have gone at all.  We make irrational provision for ourselves when we know in our heart that we are acting against God.
Jesus gives their conscience no place to hide.  "Have you come out against me with swords and clubs to arrest me as you would against a robber?  Every day I used to sit in the temple teaching and you did not seize me."  If Jesus was really dangerous, dangerous enough to warrant arrest by a large, armed crowd, why haven't they done anything before now?  Of course his perfect reasoning is ignored, like truth is by all self-justifiers.  
Within this tornado of denialism, one of the disciples becomes so angry he strikes back.  Jesus, seeing beyond the situation, rebukes him.  "Put your sword back in its place; for all those who take up the sword shall perish by the sword.  Or do you not think that I cannot appeal to my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?"  That's fifty-four thousand.  The message is for the disciples, for the crowd, and for us.  If we pick up swords in reaction, blindly, we will die in reaction, blindly.  When Jehoshaphat sought the Lord as a great army was bearing down on the kingdom, a prophet announced "The battle is not yours, but God's."  Victory always belongs to God, because to Him be the glory, forever and ever, amen.
Jesus' clarity came from not focusing on the instruments he could see in his own hands, but from focusing on being an instrument in God's hands.

- J

Forced blog is forced

Good CG tonight.  I want to start writing about what I read in scripture.  That will be a mutual reinforcement, and it will help me study.
A little nervous about my phone interview tomorrow.  I know I'll go for it as hard as I can, but I don't want to screw it up.  And besides that, somewhere in my head I'm questioning if I really want the job.  But that's the same voice that needs to shut up every other time too.
Brash confidence.

- J

Bookmark

Write right wright rite.

- J

Oh doggone it.

I didn't write frak-all yesterday.  See this is the thing I was talking about.  If you do it every day, you'll do it every day.  If you miss even one day, your brain immediately reprograms.
Grr.
I wrote an email or two, and a text message wherein I misspelled a word, and a Facebook post... this is not okay.  That's not intentional outside-of-the-norm writing.  That's life stuff.  This blog is supposed to be plus.

- J

Look at me I'm writing

here I go!
wheeeeeeeeeeee.

...

Today has actually been really nice.  My boss(es) were flipping their bandannas because the computer system decided that today would be a good day for a total freakout, but I was just floating above it.  It wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could do to fix it so no worries.  Just worked well, responded quickly, and stayed out of the way.  Now I am half a tuna sandwich and an oatmeal cookie down the road from there, and feeling peaceful and hip.  Just cleaning Gus off of my black hoodie, and content to mosey through the rest of the day.
I got an email back from my contact at the driving instructor job, and I sent my resume to that Volt recruiter guy.  Stephen Sion replied to my text, so we're schedule for coffee tomorrow.  Gonna go mail my bills out and then maybe take a nap.
I drove home with the top down on my Cabrio.  It's a good day.

- J

Knit one, Perl two

=comment until cut
Okay, this is a program I did NOT write all by myself.  It is knit together from some sample programs in the tutorials I've been reading.  Like stringing together sentences you've memorized in french before you go off freestyling.  The original program added all the numbers from 1 to 100.  That's neat, but I wanted more flexibility, so I added the power to input whatever two numbers I liked.  It proved a little trickier than I expected - I still can't do it using the 'while' construct; this one uses 'for'.  The construct is the only really fancy part of this program.  And 'fancy' is being used here loosely.  There IS some cool stuff going on... I've got a default variable used for pacing.  I'm pretty pleased.
=cut

$total = 0;
print "Add up all the numbers from X to Y!\n";
print "Hit enter key to continue:\n";
$_  = <STDIN>; 
print "What is the value of X? ";
my $a = <STDIN>; 
chomp($a);
print "Okay, the first number is $a.\n";
print "What is the value of Y? ";
my $b = <STDIN>; 
chomp($b);
print "Okay, the second number is $b.\n";
for $x ( $a .. $b )
{
$total += $x;
}
print "Okay, the total of all numbers from $a to $b is $total\n";

# - J

Perl

print "Hello, World!\n";

Dissection:
print - A command.  Telling the program that I want it to display some text.
" - Bookends the text I want displayed.
Hello, World! - The exact text I want my program to show the user.
\n - Carriage return.  A blank line will appear after this print command is performed.
; - The end of every code thought.  The period of Perl.

First day learning.  Always a little bumpy.  
We all live in the aftermath of idols.  Mine has been comfort and laziness.  I didn't learn to code eleven years ago for the same reason I didn't get braces; I couldn't see past the short-term discomfort.  I regret both decisions now.  
But at least it didn't take me another eleven years to begin. 

- J

Ordered the first couple of books for the Deacon Training.  I don't have a Deacon sponsor, and I don't have a service department in which I am seeking leadership, and I really don't feel like a spiritual leader.  But that's as may be.  There's this quote floating around that goes, "God doesn't call the prepared; He prepares those whom He calls."  That's not in the bible anywhere, but you can find something pretty close.
"I am sending you.  Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." [Matthew 28:19-20]
He said this to Peter who was still kind of a screw up, and to James and John who, at their mother's behest, had asked him for favoritism over the other disciples, and to Thomas who didn't believe the resurrection, and to all the rest who had sworn loyalty then fled from him the night of his arrest.  He sent them as ambassadors of himself.  Knowing that God would increase them and teach them and make them ready as they stepped out of their self-doubt and into obedience and faith.
"God said, ‘Look, I have given you all the plants that have grain for seeds and all the trees whose fruits have seeds in them. They will be food for you.'” [Gen. 1:29]
A blog I happened across pointed out this verse.  How God made everything, prepared the whole garden, and then brought Adam and Eve there.  Knowing they would mess up.  Knowing His plan for redemption.

- J

3/9/10

I actually meant to write another post yesterday.  This did not happen.  I have noticed this pattern in more lives than my own: consistency, consistency, and then one day missed spells doom and undoing.  I will not give up, though.  The pattern I have chronicled is a worldly one.  The pattern of the Spirit has redemption, where we are always afforded opportunity to get up and begin being consistent again.

I'm set to help serve dinner at Jubilee tonight.  To help make the dinner, I believe.  I emailed the lady on Monday, but haven't heard back.  Either way, I'll be heading over after work.  I'm still kind of intimidated serving there.  I couldn't even tell you why.  I think this will be good, though.  I feel pretty clearly like I'm supposed to be there in this season of my life.
Also they have a huge plastic tub full of dominoes, which is pretty cool.

- J

3/8/10

Yesterday I wrote in my bible quite a bit.  I wrote an important email or two, and I wrote notes during my phone conversation with the guy from Seagull.
I wrote my bank number on the back of my checks, and I wrote some reminder notes to myself, I wrote all kinds of things.
!
Actually I did forget.  Yesterday was the first day when I really totally forgot to write in my blog.  I woke up and remembered, but when I checked the clock it was already 4:30, which is really past the spirit of the project.  I've missed a day before, when I didn't have my computer, but I was still intentional about it.  I am glad that pen hit paper yesterday, because the idea is to write each day -  not specifically to write here - so I'm still under the letter of the law of intention.
Today I've got a questionnaire to fill out, which will be quite a bit of writing indeed.
I'll still try to post here in the evening.

- J

Especially you, Katie 80

A lovely day. I love sunshine so much. As if instead of blood I had chlorophyll. I'm listening to John Piper preach Sunday's sermon right now. I can see why people like him so much.
Over the last few days, my mind has brought out of it's collection a series of memories from long ago... things I've done which are regrettable, failures... Things from when I was very young, from High School... I feel like I'm being accused by a lawyer. Like I am trying to prove to myself that I am a shameful, terrible person. My whole life I've been faced with these memories, and the inevitable conclusion of the framework that they construct. It is a mental process that has become familiar.
Scripture came to mind, this week, this time. I didn't even remember it clearly, where it was or the exact words, I just remembered what the point was: that because I am in Christ, I cannot be condemned. I can't. It's just a lie that I can be convinced of. So if my salvation can't be taken away, the enemy can at least take my joy if he can fool me. But the truth of God can set me free, because that's what truth does. It frees me. Those things, someone did them. And Christ died for that person, and paid for the sin already, and freed me to live. Not just without the penalty of sin, but without condemnation. Without shame. As each memory has been paraded before me this week I have momentarily recoiled in disgust with myself, and then stopped and meditated on this faintly remembered patch of scripture.
I didn't know where it was or what the exact words were, but the truth was enough, and I was okay. I'm okay. I don't need to feel that way.
John Piper just quoted the very verse at the beginning of this week's sermon.
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." [Romans 8:1]

- J

Oh no I forgot that thing I always forget

Um... I need to go to bed.  To BED!  But that is insufficient content for a post, even for me.

...

Roses are red,
Violets are violet;
I've got your number
And I like to dial it.

- J

See through me

I do not fit in, in the business world.  I am easy to identify.  I'm the one who answers the question you asked instead of whatever other unspoken question it was situationally appropriate to give the answer to.  It's sort of like a dance; going to a dance without knowing the steps would be more than overconfident.  It would be foolish.  Likewise, I am attempting to engage in a patterned social dynamic where there are expectations of behavior which it is difficult for me not to dismiss as dishonest.  Trite I can handle, and showing someone your best side is completely acceptable.  When I am asked about myself, though, the truthteller in me will always want to respond to that question.  It's really almost a test.  If you answer like an ordinary person having a genuine and meaningful conversation, you fail.  You must answer like a Businessperson.  "They are only interested," Su counseled me, "in the business part of you."  Ah yes.  Now I remember why this sort of thing always makes me feel oily.
There's nothing wrong with business.  There's nothing wrong with working in business.  And there is nothing wrong with the interview process as it now has evolved to.  I completely understand the need to formalize the motions of a pageant repeated so endlessly.  This sort of distillation just throws reality into cold relief.  I am very fortunate to have someone offer to teach me the steps to the dance, and for free no less.  I take solace in my hope of the world to come.  I think it will be a very marvelous thing when we are finally free to dance the way we were intended to. 

- J

Hiss hiss

Oh say say say, oh say say say.  Sometimes I feel like I'm tuned into a radio station broadcasting silence.  Not like the space between the channels; a definite feed.  A soft and comforting emptyness.  There is too much noise in my life.  I fill my minutes with busy seconds, and the hours slip by almost unnoticed.
I like this station.  It always plays my favorite songs.

- J

Lulluby

Books that have piqued my interest:
-Freefall: America, Free Markets, and the Sinking of the World Economy (Joseph E. Stiglitz)
-Why We Make Mistakes: How We Look Without Seeing, Forget Things in Seconds, and Are All Pretty Sure We Are Way Above Average (Joseph T. Hallinan)
-Fearful Symmetry: The Search for Beauty in Modern Physics (Anthony Zee)
-The Age of American Unreason (Susan Jacoby)

I was listening on the radio today about the looters in Chile, and it occurred to me that they are no different than the bankers who are buying insurance now, betting Greece will default on its loans and tumble into economic collapse.  A whole caste of people who see tragedy and disaster, and their first and only reaction is, "how can I profit by this?"
Thy kingdom come.

- J