Malcontent

My cube-neighbor was playing a Christian radio station a little bit this afternoon and it really reminded me how underwhelmed and disconnected I feel with practically all Christian music. I don't mean to be a downer, but it really does not uplift me to listen to it. The only way I can explain it is by saying that what I hear on Spirit FM does not in any way sound like the song in my heart.
I have this feeling of bottled emotion and powerful chaotic energy inside me. I want to howl and stomp around a blazing bonfire in the middle of the woods. I want to swing my arms and spin until I fall over, and just lie there screaming gutteral cries. I want to laugh until I cry, and run until I collapse, and sing until my vocal cords won't obey anymore. I don't hear any sound like that on the radio. Not really in church either. Everyone is so well-behaved. If there's children dancing up front it's adorable, but - if we're realistic - only because they "don't know any better". Sure, we say "Oh it's so cute that they're uninhibited", but behind that statement is the implicit social judgment that being inhibited is proper. If a grownup went up and danced, everyone would feel incredibly uncomfortable with the situation. The deacons would probably pull him aside and ask him to stop. We laud behavior in the young that we forbid in the mature. This condradiction is burdonsome to think about, and unhealthy to ignore.
The closest thing I can think of to what I have inside me is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8VizD1xcuk
O, porcupine, by 'Mewithoutyou'.

-J