I remembered

to write something.

i used up all my interesting tonight now all i have left is this dwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - *ahhh* - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

- J

8/30/10

Last night in the booth when you forgot to hit the video switch button, I felt really empathetic. I know that's a terrible feeling, and I was glad to just hold you. After the service, though, I started to feel very upset at Thomas Hurst. I still feel a personal hurt over how I perceive I was mistreated by him while I was working for the church. I felt like if that had happened while I was Production Manager, I would have been grilled about it. Why did that happen? Why aren't your volunteers trained? What are you going to do about it to make sure it doesn't happen again? Why wasn't I told about this immediately? I doubt that Jason Skelton heard a word about it from anyone. Because adults tend to treat adults like mistakes happen, but they often treat children like mistakes are either willful neglect or immature foolishness. I always felt treated like a child while working for Thomas; no flexibility, no independence, and bearing the weight of what he felt was his total responsibility. If one of my volunteers made a mistake, then I had failed, and if I had failed, then he had failed, and that was the part that was totally unacceptable to him. Professional caliber work was expected from me, with no competent technical oversight, no training, no support, and no margin for error.
On my first day there, Thomas overheard part of a conversation I had with a volunteer, put it into an imagined context, and simply rendered judgement about me that I was more of a work-in-progress than most. He pulled me into Chris' office, explained to me how I had sinned against my volunteer, and demanded that I personally call them to apologize. That was how our work relationship began, and it never really evolved. Over seven months, we got lunch together exactly once, and we spent more than half of that time driving around looking for restaurants that he thought were open on Sunday.

I know that this post is a lot of complaining about the past, but I was surprised last night by how strongly I still felt hurt by the way I was treated by Mars Hill in general and Thomas specifically. I reminded myself then (and as I'm writing this I do so again) that God is my Justifier. If I was treated unfairly He knows, and He will take care of it. If I was not treated unfairly - which is possible, since I don't have an unbiased view - He knows that too. I hope and trust that He will mature me to the point where I have a better understanding of how to conduct myself in either circumstance.

- J

I forgot what eight was for

Long week was long. And I'm pretty sure the reason was that I've been slacking off in my prayer and bible reading. It's the same story! I've written about this before. I feel like I'm catching it earlier this time, but the real test will be what I DO about it.
Symptoms of wilting spiritual life:
1) Tired
2) Listless
3) Poor decision-making (see: bedtime)
4) Positive emotions seem heavier to carry
5) I'm not asking you what you're reading / what God's teaching you, what can I pray for you about.

Grr. Not good enough.

- J

I am still depressingly bad at basketball. I'm glad that no part of my paycheck depends on my ability to hit basic freethrows. =/
This week is actually very good. A bad habit of mine is to let the most recent event determine how I'm feeling about everything. A second bad habit related to the first is to emotionally round down. If something bad happens, then something good happens, I still tend to end up lower than middle. I need to internalize a longer-term view. Not be "tossed about on the waves" like James rebukes believers for. I'm not sure exactly how this happens. I'm pretty sure I can't do it on my own, but I also feel a responsibility for it; it's a frustrating position to be in. But despite the way this post sounds, I'm doing well. Having a night off this evening will be very good for me, I expect. I'm just venting a bit. Which is, largely, the sustaining force of blogs.
I need to be useful. That'll pep me up. Time to make some phone calls.

- J

8/18/10

Arcade Fire is playing the Key arena on Wednesday, September 29th. Curse you Arcade Fire! Why couldn't you play the Key Arena on Wednesday, October 6th? Then I wouldn't feel torn because I would be busy doing other things. You're playing the week before I get married. I will be TOO BUSY to go see you, and also TicketMaster are jerks. Seriously, $38 is totally worth it for a ticket to see you, but over $12 in fees cranks that up to over fifty which is kind of unreasonable for any band I can think of. I hardly think Cirque du Soleil is worth fifty dollars. Of course, they ACTUALLY charge a hundred, but that's wandering wide of the point.
So I will skip you, you cutting-edge stadium rockers, you. As much as it makes me sad. I will go see Cloud Cult at the ShowBox instead, which is 1) only $20 per ticket (plus spit-take-inducing fees), 2) NOT the week before my wedding and 3) a much more intimate experience than the Key.
=P

-J

8/17/10

ME: What does "Noel" mean, anyway?
MY BRAIN: Isn't it a German word? Doesn't it just mean "Christmas"?
ME: Okay. But what does "Christmas" mean?
MY BRAIN: Well, it's from Old English. It's means "Christ's Mass".
ME: Well, what's Christ's Mass?
MY BRAIN: That's easy. It's Christ's force divided by Christ's acceleration.

- J

Productive Jeremy is productive

Blog blog blog. That's all I ever seem to do besides forget to memorize scripture. I went home early from work today because my brain wasn't braining. The heat just sautéed my cortex. Anyway there was so much to do at home that I judged it better to be useful there than dead weight in the warehouse.
So I've done less thought-intensive things like laundry and bill-pay-ery. And now blogging. So there's that too.
I gotta go. I'm writing now because I know I won't do it later, or I'll only remember to do it when I'm driving home, and as soon as I actually get home suddenly I will magically forget.
Bleh. Still, things are good.

- J

proof of concept

Idea for a new shirt design.

- J

42:11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

I am convinced of the goodness of God, no matter how deficient my ability to perceive it. Things are not terrible. To the contrary; they are encouraging. It is still this life, however, and it is marked with toil and difficulty. I am glad for it, in my own strange way. Glad for the opportunity to better appreciate every generosity poured out on us by God.
I want to see you, because I always want to see you. But I also want to see you so I can talk to you about the future, and the ways it might look. Your wisdom is a great treasure to me.

- J

Incredible Filler Blog 5000

Now with 10% more words!
I've noted before the pattern I've observed: consistency until even the slightest miss, and then unraveling. It has played out here in this blog, despite my best intentions. The brain begins sending reminder signals at the worst possible moments ("Hey J - I know you're driving in heavy traffic, but remember to write something today!" Thanks, brain. Good lookin' out.) I should really look into how to build patterns of success. Cognitive psychology is a powerful tool, and is surprisingly resilient to observational bias. That is to say, even though you know you're playing a trick on your own brain, it usually still works.
You're over helping with the invitations, and you just texted me from the other room which makes me love you more. This is all wonderful. I want to be greater than I am. I want to surpass my own boundaries. How blessed I am to have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me; my goal would be so foolishly hopeless otherwise.

- J

I figured out what happened with the Cabrio. You remember when I turned it off, I said the key kind of "popped" back? It was stuck. When I turned the key to start the engine, it got jammed forward somehow and was continually firing the starter even though the car was on. That's what caused that loud popping, and when the starter gave out it stopped. The car almost certainly would have been fine if I had just had the sense to turn it off and start it again before we left Lynnwood.
I still needed a new car. And I suppose that if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have moved so quickly, and I never would have gotten the Hyundai, and God wouldn't have moved in David's heart and we wouldn't have an amazing testimony to share or a nice safe reliable vehicle for me. I'm not second-guessing it. Or at least, I'm trying hard not to. I am grateful that God is never hindered in His actions by my foolishness.

- J

8/5/10

I love my life right now. I love being alive; I love you, and being engaged to you. There's music and this wake of energy flowing towards the shore. Everything is colorful and full of moving particles.

- J

8/2/10

"I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus." [1 Tim 1:12-14]

There's a lot here. This is about as far as I've memorized at this point (and the last few verses are still shakey). But let's talk about Jesus.
JESUS:
*Gives strength
*Is Lord
*Judges people's hearts
*Enlists people in his service
*Has opponents
*Gives grace, even to his enemies
*Is the source of faith
*Is the source of love

Jesus never said "I am God." That's a verse that is nowhere in the bible. Everyone else said it, though. I mean, these three verses are dead clear. I think it's because of what he said to us - that the one who humbles himself will be exalted. Jesus doesn't need to say that he is God, because God has no need to assert His own identity. Whether we believe it or not has zero bearing on whether or not it is true. So he doesn't try to convince us, or argue it, or even really answer the question because he doesn't answer to us either. He just is, and lives it as an example, and lets us either choose to follow and believe or not. I'd probably trust that more than a guy going around demanding that he WAS God. It's a good example for us. Am I a hard worker? A devoted husband? I faithful Christian? I don't need to declare any of these things about myself. I need to be them, and let other people lift me up as the Lord leads.

- J